you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
