My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
