Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
