By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if only i could text you this smell
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
