I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sprained my soul last night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize