first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
