If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
