hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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