Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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