Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
