How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
