If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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