Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
