we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dear god my vagina.
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