is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
