I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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