Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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