Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
