you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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