I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
