did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
