I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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