The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
