Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
