she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
