so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
