my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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