I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
