Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
