Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
