omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
