Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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