what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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