well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
