Jerry, you need to find god
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
