i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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