Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
