I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can you bring me the toilet please
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
