you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens