This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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