...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
