It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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