Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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