I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
