slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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