I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
