You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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