dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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