i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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