I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dignity is for republicans.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
