I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
