I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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