i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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