Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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