I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
