btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
