Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
BRING THE BAGELS
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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