I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This girl is more easily done than said...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
