By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
